The British and Their Humour


 
1.   I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.  Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
2.   After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.
3.   Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4.   A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?”  Granny replies:“ The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”
5.   Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?”  Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!”   (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)
6.   A chap’s wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )
7.   I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8 .   I woke up this morning at 9:00 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked.  I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.
9 .   My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”  I replied: “Oh, so now you want me to stay!”
10.  Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.  When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11 .   The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with.  I told her: “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!” (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month. )
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About Jim G.

I truely believe that what should matter most in life is how you see yourself, not how someone else tries to convince you to see yourself. *****Life is not about "finding yourself"*****its about creating yourself.!!!!! I write and post things here because I like to think I am contributing some things of value to my world. Some times a little humor, some times things with a more serious tone, but hopefully always in good taste. If what I post occasionally bites a politician in the ass, all the better :>)
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