Service…


 
I became confused when I heard the word “Service” used
with these agencies:
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
U.S. Postal ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
State, City, County & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them
said he had hired a bull to Service’ a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all
those agencies are doing.
I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.

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Ventriloquist….


Ignore the subtitles, this is in English and it will have you laughing as well, and it’s for real. 

 

 Turn the volume up………

You just have to watch this one!


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A Lawyer Story…


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass ?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.
You’ll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.”

Did you really think this was going to be a heart-warming story about a lawyer?

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Mathematics: 


This comes  from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70  yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable  mathematical logic. 
It also made me Laugh Out  Loud.
 

This is a strictly …..  mathematical  viewpoint… and it goes like  this:


What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever  wonder about those people who say they are giving  more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings  where someone wants you to give over  100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What  makes up 100% in life? 

Here’s a little  mathematical formula that might help you answer  these questions: 

If: 
A B C D E F G H I J  K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

Is  represented as: 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14  15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then:  

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  
98%

And  

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E  
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  
96%  

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E  
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  
100%  

And,  


B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T  

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =  
103%  

AND, look how far ass  kissing  will take you. 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G  
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7  = 
118%  

So, one can conclude  with mathematical certainty, that while  Hard  work  and  Knowledge will get you close, and  Attitude  will get you there. Its  the  Bullshit  and  Ass  Kissing that will put you over the  top  

Now you  know why Politicians are where they  are!            

I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula………….. 
how true it is. 

 

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Who Cares?


 

Unusual to find any jokes these days, everyone is too serious.

At  the VFW one night minding my own business when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kinda cute. You gotta phone number?”

I said, “Yeah, . . .  you gotta pen?”

She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.

I said, “Then you’d better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”

When you’re seventy……………who cares?

**********

The next day, I went to the drug store and told the clerk “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Lady Clerk:  “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

I said “Nah… She’s purty good  lookin’…..”

When you’re seventy…………..who cares?

***********

Last night, I went back to the VFW hall and was talking to a young woman who had wandered in.

She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip, but…

When you’re seventy……………who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

“Really” she said, “Go on then… try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”

I said, “Yesterday.”

Cost me a kick in the —–, but…

When you’re seventy……………who cares?

*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you’re seventy……………who cares?

**********

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

When you’re seventy……………who cares?

 

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Strange But True…..


 

The year was 1947.  Some of you will recall that on  July 8, 1947, a little more than 69 years ago,
numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard,
crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside  Roswell,  New Mexico.
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force,
as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the alien crash, the following people were born:
Barrack Obama  Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
Joe Biden
This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.
I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.   It did for me.
Now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens!!

Posted in Author's Stuff, Democrats, Fun Things, Humor, Miscellaneous, My Point of View, Things Everyone Likes, Things I Like | Tagged , | 1 Comment

The Wisdom of An Old Jewish Man


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name? 

“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”

 “I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”

 And finally “I pray that everyone will be happy”.

 “How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?” 

 “Like I’m talking to a fucking wall”
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